The Normal Reaction

I remember trying to entice my dad into a spot of wild camping last autumn after already successfully persuading him to visit the amazing Cambrian Mountains. Perhaps it was a step too far. I was expecting a little uncertainty and questions like would the tent be big enough or do I still snore. Instead he hit me with one that I should have seen coming yet didn’t. ” What is….er……the toileting situation like?” he asked reluctantly . I couldn’t sugar coat the truth, so hit him with it straight. There was no toilet in the wild. That was the end of that idea then.

As I write, I’m still trying to encourage my mate Steve to come out with me for a spot of wild camping. As a man, who has been known to sleep on benches and even a pavement in his younger years ( he was never destitute,but probably intoxicated ), I thought I might have a chance with him. It seems a few advancing years and two young boys wrecked that idea. He soon asked about the toilet issue and to his credit, we progressed further than I did with my dad. It was when he demanded details about how and where you go that he point blank refused. ” You must be having a laugh,” he said. ” Are you telling me that I’ve got to dig a hole and then squat over it?” I could only nervously shake my head in agreement. ” You know I watch my cat do the same thing pretty much every day and not once have I thought about going out and joining her,” he added.

I guess Steve was right. It certainly isn’t the conventional way to relieve yourself and for that reason it puts a lot of people off. I was the same only one year ago just before my wild camping adventures began. The thought of taking a poo in the woods was almost as terrifying as sleeping in one. Exerts from The Blair Witch Project will back me up there. Now I hardly give it a second thought. These days I consider myself an experienced and mostly contented wild toileter, so feel qualified to share with you the trials and tribulations of toileting outdoors.

All Other Animals Do It

Perhaps an unusual place to begin, but it’s the discussion I had with myself when my cup of coffee woke my bowels up outside The Moel Prysgau Bothy in Wales. Every part of me wanted to find a private room, with a sit-down loo, air freshener and maybe even a newspaper to read. I gave myself a stern talking to as my inner voice reminded me that sheep don’t have that luxury.

It’s true. Every other living thing other than ourselves just go to the toilet in the wild when they feel like it. Some are discreet enough to bury it, while others like dogs know you’re around to pick it up, so go wherever they like. Interestingly, some animals actually use a toilet area of sorts. Did you know that some other mammals like the mole or hyrax actually have designated defication sites called Middens? A bit of reading also revealed that wild roaming and even stable horses create their own latrine areas to prevent their grazing areas becoming parasite-filled. That’s pretty smart I reckon.

Not once have I head a nervous chirp of a bird as it decorates my windscreen at work. David Attenborough has never asked the cameraman to stop rolling when our closest relatives- the chimpanzee or bonobo need to go to the loo. They share 98.7% of our DNA. It’s hard to believe we have such different views to toileting with only a 1.3% difference.

The Technique Is Healthy

Before I started writing this piece, I never saw myself asking Google why squatting is healthy, but I just did. The results were conclusive. Many articles reveal how experts agree it is healthier. In case you don’t desire to read the topic in detail, the main benefits seem to be reduced pressure on the abdomen, it’s quicker and also requires less straining.

It seems like much of Asia have heeded this advice as the average toilet will have a hole in the ground and little more. If you’ve ever watched the hilarious series of An Idiot Abroad, then you’ll appreciate how much Karl Pilkington hated this fact in India. His reasoning was that his insides wouldn’t allow him to do it. Of course their prevalence there is largely due to poorer infrastructure and poorer living conditions. I do remember an ex girlfriend informing me that she did indeed have to use a squatting toilet in the south of France fairly recently. I for one would have expected more gold plated thrones to sit on in that part of the world. Just to put your mind at rest, I did find out more useful things about her too.

It Is More Hygienic

Anybody who knows me would agree that I tend to wash my hands too much. I think they’re right, but I’d like to to think it is what has helped prevent me being physically sick my entire life. I have yet to meet anybody who can claim the same and I’m rather proud of that. Being slightly OCD when it comes to hygiene, using public toilets is never an enjoyable experience. All door handles are covered in a number of germs I’d rather not think about, while toilet seats are another issue again.

When you got to the toilet in the wild, there are none of these concerns. There is the argument that it can pollute nearby water sources; if you take the advice given by many to go at least 60 metres away then it reduces the risk significantly. Another added bonus is that there is never any issue with splash back nor will you have another person sitting only a couple of feet away producing their own funny noises and smells. Bonus!

The Freedom And The Views

When you wild camp and wild toilet for that matter, you have so much freedom at your fingertips. You clearly don’t want to be spotted, but there are plenty of secluded spots out there. Better still is that many can offer what I like to call a poo with a view. Unless you find yourself in a shack of a toilet by a tropical beach, this is hard to find.

The Downsides

I am a realist and can’t claim that going to the loo in the wild is all plain sailing. It most certainly isn’t. I’ve briefly tried to outline the disadvantages below:

1. It’s tough when you’re a lady.Us men have it easy in so many ways and going for a wee is another example of this. I can only imagine there are only so many times a woman can squat in a day before she longs for a seat and a U-bend no matter what state it’s in. It’s not massively lady-like either let’s be honest.
2. You need to always be carrying toilet paper. Without this, things could get rather unpleasant indeed.
3. There is always the risk of falling backwards into your own mess. Sadly, I speak from experience there after one too many whiskeys.
4. Digging the hole and then burying it is a faff. Try doing this on thick moorland. It’s near on impossible!
5. Strictly speaking, toilet paper shouldn’t be buried because it takes a while to break down. This means carrying out used loo roll with the rest of your waste. Maybe not ideal for a first date!
6. Popular spots can be a nightmare when it comes to being spotted. You can never relax and just long for it to be over.

To Wrap Things Up

I realise that this article will go nowhere in changing the world, but I’ve enjoyed writing it and I know those who love the wild like me will be able to relate to many of the words. If you’re new to wild camping and hiking away from the crowds, then hopefully it’s given you a new-found confidence. As long as you’re sensible and remember the words I’ve given you, you will be fine.